A user rings
Do you know why the system is slow? they ask
It's probably something to do with... I look up today's excuse .. clock speed
Oh (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) Do you know when it will be fixed?
Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!
But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
Laser Print..
SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy! I hang up.
Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
gruff voice
HELLO, SALARIES!
Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number
YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By
the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
Hello? she answers
Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?
I think so... she says
TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'
Um. Ok
AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE
IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PUURITY TEST IN IT...
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it.
Another user rings.
I need more space he says
Well, why don't you move to Texas? I ask
No, on my account, stupid.
Stupid? Uh-Oh..
I'm terribly sorry I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Family Matinee I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
and he knows it.
Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*
Sure, hang on
I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpeice.
There, you've got plenty of space now
How much have I got
Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough. They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available
Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks! he says pleased with his bargaining power
No I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, room temperature 4 Meg in total
Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!
I kill me; I really do
Follow this link to go to the second tale of Bastard Operator from Hell.