F U N S T U F F ! THE CARE AND MAINTENANCE OF THE HAMSTER An hilarious handbook submitted by Richard McDonald THE CYCLIST A cautionary tale by Martyn Davies THE MEDICAL QUIZ Part one - Written by Brian Davies INSURANCE CLAIMS 3 Once again we stress that this is not the classic 1970 something list but material freshly dredged from the net BIZARRE NEWS It really happened - Truly bizarre and bizarrely true stories from around the world C A R E · A N D · M A I N T E N A N C E O F · T H E · H A M S T E R A · H A N D B O O K By Richard McDonald sfroehli @ uoguelph.ca Introduction and History Welcome to the rich and rewarding world of the hamster. Whether for their fuzzy cuteness or their ample drum sticks there is no denying the almost universal appeal of these gorgeous, and sometimes fearsome, animals. Let's first look at hamsters from an historical perspective. Although a stranger to most of the world until the early part of the twentieth century, earlier references suggest that it was, at various points in history, more widespread. Early Egyptian hieroglyphics of the Fifth Dynasty depict a figure that is half snake and half hamster. This is Hamses, who was the god of putting as much food as possible in the mouth before swallowing. A few thousand years later, references to the hamster appear again. Some mosaics unearthed at Pompeii show that hamsters commonly occupied the traditional roles of teacher and doctor and were even known as public orators and charioteers. Some historians believe that the Emperor Tiberias was a hamster. The Dark Ages marked a time when hamsters were not as much revered as they had been. Tapestries produced by Italian monks in the tenth century tell stories of virtual genocide and rampant hamster hunts. Hamsters that were believed to be in league with Satan are shown being drowned, burned with the steak , or thrown into pits with starving guinea pigs. During this same period the hamster lent its name to much of present day experience. What we call a 'hammer' today was once an anti-rodent device, the invention of which is credited to Vlad the Compressor. In Northern Europe, civic engineers were struggling with the challenge of reclaiming land from the sea as well as the growing urban rodent menace. The city of Amsterdam sits on the site of their cleverly combined approach to both, a dyke made entirely of hamsters, thus, (h)amster dam. Happily, today the hamster enjoys the respect it deserves and all the benefits it has earned through its contributions to Earth's rich history. Handling. The hamster is safe to handle most of the time without the use of protective clothing or respirators. The hamster is only dangerous under three conditions: a) the animal is cornered and feels threatened b) he is seriously ill c) he has been accused of cheating at canasta. In the unlikely event that you suffer a hamster bite, consult a physician immediately. Hamster venom is slow acting but lethal. Some victims have fought as long as seventy years against such effects as memory loss, baldness, excessive wrinkling, and a compulsion to search for exact change at crowded supermarket check-outs. The hamster is an amazingly resilient creature and can withstand stresses that could seriously injure a larger animal. You can demonstrate this for your friends but, the use of some kind of cushioning device is recommended (a tennis racket or the cat would be adequate). This resiliency and durability made hamsters useful test pilots in the early days of the U.S. and Soviet space programmes. Also, it is a little known fact that many film stunts are performed by hamsters in costume. Feeding. You'll probably be so excited at having your new friend home that in the first few weeks you may occasionally forget to feed him. Don't worry, Hammy's cheeks are like a camel's hump. A hamster can store food enough to last up to eight weeks. In the event that the animal does become undernourished, keep it away from small children and the slow moving elderly. Sex and Breeding. The hamster is perhaps the most amorous creature in the animal kingdom. Mating is often spirited to the point of injury, and will certainly draw complaints from neighbours. Hamster genitalia is difficult if not impossible to locate, not to mention identify. So, spare yourself any difficulty with sexing your new pet before purchasing. Just keep bringing them home and placing them in a cage together. Trial and error will enable you to breed them eventually. Housing. The hamster is a burrowing creature by nature. Colonies of hamsters have been known to create large and elaborate underground dwellings. Your pet will be happy with a rusty cage lined with newspaper. The Hamster likes to keep abreast of current events so the cage should be cleaned and lined with a fresh newspaper regularly. If you happen to forget, don't fret, by the time the smell reminds you, your furry friend will likely have been rendered unconscious by the fumes already. Common Questions and Concerns 'If my hamster lies on his back with his feet in the air, what does that mean?' Your hamster is dead. 'If I put a hamster of the opposite sex in the cage with my pet and they do not mate, whatdoes that mean?' Your hamster is dead. 'What are the advantages of owning a hamster over owning another pet; a dog, for instance?' 'You don't have to throw the stick as far. Hamsters don't often lick their own genitals in front of company but if they do it's cute.' You can bathe a hamster in a coffee cup Dogs will eat hamsters. Hamsters will not eat dogs. Dogs chase and bite strangers. Dogs will chase and frighten cats. A hamster will keep a cat entertained indefinitely. Hamster tastes like chicken. Dog tastes like dog. When a dog vomits, the whole house knows it. When a hamster vomits, who cares When you hold a hamster close to your face and say ' 'Pretty, pop, pip, pepper.' you get a cute reaction. When you hold a dog close, you get arrested.' Conclusion. You are now ready to enter the rich world of the hamster. Using this handbook and its simple guidelines you will be rewarded endlessly as you care for your new friend. And remember, as hamster lovers the world over know: A healthy hamster is a happy hamster, and will pass for Cornish Hen if cooked properly. Other books in the series: The Guinea Pig : Not Just a Big Hamster. The Cat : Baby's First Playmate. Goldfish : Why Do We Bother? Snakes : Grow Your Own Belt T H E · C Y C L I S T Owners of 4X4s will know exactly how I feel about my Grand Cherokee. Its not so much a vehicle, its a passion. I spend every waking minute thinking about my beautiful vehicle and every spare penny accessorising her. The bull-bar kit I ordered came the other day. It took a couple of hours to fit but the result was magnificent. The Cherokee looked a totally different vehicle, I was as excited as I'd been the day I bought my first Jeep. I don't know why but I felt I had to go off for a drive there and then. The roads around our neck of the woods aren't exactly of American proportions so you have to take it steady with a vehicle the size of the Cherokee. The lane between our house and the main road is the trickiest bit as the door handles almost touch the trees on either side in some parts. I was longer than usual getting down to the main road that day because I came across a cyclist. He must have been a fit young man, breezing along as he was at twenty five miles an hour.There was no way I could pass for three or four hundred yards until the lane widened enough for me to squeeze by. I did get past eventually and made my way down to the junction with the cyclist keeping pace behind me. I waited patiently for the traffic to thin before turning right and heading off down the hill. I looked in my mirror and saw the cyclist right behind me. I glanced at the speedo - thirty miles per hour. I know enough about cycling to realize that he was 'draughting' the Cherokee. That is to say he was using my slipstream to reduce the amount of effort he needed to use to stay at that speed. I decided to accelerate smoothly to see just how fit this guy was. Thirty-five, forty, forty-five. He was still there, right on my tail and grinning quite manically. Jeeze this guy must be fit I thought. The road started to drop a little more steeply and I'd seen enough of the Tour de France to know that a really fit cyclist can descend a hill at fifty or even sixty miles per hour. I accelerated a bit more, fifty, fifty five, sixty. He was still there, draughting so closely that I began to get nervous. What if I had to stop suddenly? This guy was going to be road-jam in seconds flat. Enough was enough. I changed down and floored the accelerator. Sixty, sixty five, seventy. I looked in the mirror - he was gone. My pulse soon returned to normal and I was able to enjoy a couple of hours touring in the summer sunshine. I always wash my vehicles after a day out and this day was no exception. I filled a bucket with soapy water and set to. But when I worked my way around to the back of the 4x4 my heart leapt into my mouth. There, tangled in my shiny new bull-bars, were a set of drop handlebars from a bicycle. Copyright Martyn Davies. No part of this article may be used on a for money basis. All rights reserved T H E · M E D I C A L · Q U I Z · PART ONE This is a multi-choice quiz. Each correct answer scores 1 point. Any question may have more than one correct answer (or there may be none). 1 The Islets of Langerhans are: a) In the Outer Hebrides b) in the pancreas c) just north of Neasden d) in the grey matter of the brain The Islets of Longerhans can be found in the Sea of Twaddle. Gibber was the capital, in which Gibberish was the main language. The Islets are, in fact, a fictitious location, visited by Lemuel Gulliver in Swift's epic work. The Longerhans were ethereal creatures, composed mostly of hot air and because of this, politics was the major industry, with policies on everything being exported to all corners of the globe. They were also inordinately fond of oranges and other citrous fruits and this gave rise to the well-known saying that they were "all wind and pips". 2 The Pouch of Douglas is to be found: a) In a lady kangaroo b) in the top end of the vagina of a vertical woman c) in the abdomen d) part of the gall bladder The Pouch of Douglas is situated in the famous Kirk of St Michael, in the Isle of Man. Its possession is said to bestow great sexual prowess on the owner as it appeals mainly to their most basic instinct. Pouches of Douglas can also be found up some Scotsmen's kilts, but the least said about that, the better. 3 Borborygmi is: a) Noise from the abdomen b) a South American dance c) gaseous in origin d) a tribe of African dwarfs Borborygmi is a rarely encountered disease of humans and the higher primates that affects the kneecaps, causing the leg to bend forward at the knee, somewhat in the manner of a chicken's. Borboryphobia is the morbid fear of contracting this disease, usually brought on by bouts of heavy drinking. 4 a lacuna may be found: a) In bone b) in a cocktail bar c) on the moon d) as an immigrant in France e) in limestone A lacuna may be found in a garage. The Renault Lacuna was a popular sports car of the nineteen twenties, often driven by socialites and starlets. It was a rival to the Triumph Spat. People were often observed leaving parties in a Spat, particularly when their dates had gone off with a new partner. The Bentley High Dudgeon was another popular conveyance of the times, somewhat resembling a Spat, only taller. 5 "Freeze the balls on a brass monkey" originates from: a) Napoleon's defeat at the gates of Moscow b) the Royal Navy c) the naturalist movement d) the behaviour of cannon balls e) a faulty grandfather clock "Freeze the balls off a brass monkey", is a corruption of the phrase "cold enough to freeze the balls off a birash monkey. The birash, or short-arsed, monkey was a small primate (not an ape, incidentally) that lived in the Karakoram Mountains, above the snow line. Its squat, bowed legs and large testicles did not make it ideally suited to the extremes of cold experienced in the bleak mountainous regions as its testicles were prone to dragging along the floor as it walked. Unfortunately, this often lead to scrotal hypothermia and, in extreme cases, the genitalia could become frozen and brittle, often breaking off when it came into contact with a jutting rock or tree root. The birash monkey is now extinct. 6 The chicken pox virus can result in: a) Allergy to eggs b) herpes zoster c) shingles d) some nice spots to pick e) pox in the lungs f) a spotty chicken Chicken pox virus can result in chicken pox. This is a little-known fact, overlooked by medical experts keen to ascribe a vast range of health problems to the virus, from herpes to an irrational belief that one is the Prime Minister of Britain. John Major was a well-known sufferer. Chicken pox received its name from the widespread belief that it was contracted from having sexual intercourse with chickens. This is, of course, extremely silly. Humping turkeys is the major cause, although some seagoing ducks are also carriers of this virus. 7 The largest organ in the body is: a) The skin b) the liver c) the lungs d) the dominant buttock e) your wishful thinking Which is the largest organ in the body? This is obviously a trick question. The skin is the largest organ but, by its nature, it is not "in" the body. If it was, this could interfere with its major function, keeping all the other organs out of sight. If it did not, all the livers, kidneys and other wobbly things would hang out and drag around on the floor where they could be trodden on by unobservant passers-by. Nasty, eh? While it is uncertain which is the largest organ in the body is, the largest organ of all is the Great Wurlitzer in the Mormon Tabernacle, Salt Lake City, Utah. It is considerably bigger than anyone's skin or liver. 8 Ventricles are found in: a) Air conditioning systems b) the liver c) jet aeroplanes d) the brain e) the heart Ventricles are found in vaudeville acts, where they were very popular during the inter-war years. Latterly, they lost most of their popularity and were finally killed off by Keith Harris and Orville. Curiously, in the 1950s "Educating Archie" enjoyed a wide audience on the BBC Light Programme. While in later and less innocent times it may seem faintly ridiculous to have a vent act on the radio, at least one never saw Peter Brough's lips move. 9 Males can lactate: a) At birth b) if they are early risers c) during sympathetic pregnancy d) if they are dairy herdsmen e) if they have cancer Males can lactate. This sentence is complete in itself. Many men are born without tate, and some lose it in later life, either through accident or haemorrhoidal leprosy. Lacking tate does not carry any serious health risk and life expectancy is not diminished. 10 "Hives" is the common name for: a) The effects of stinging nettles b) urticaria c) domicile of bees d) the opposite of loaves Hives is the common name for the present day followers of the medieval aesthete, Saint Hives the Obfuscated, after which St 'Ives in Cornwall is named. Hives, to prove his devotion to God, lived in a beer barrel for three years. This made him famous and he enjoyed his sojourn so much, he vowed to live in as many barrels as he could, after personally emptying them. Brandy barrels were a particular favourite. His behaviour became increasingly erratic, and he fell into disrepute. Hives, however, couldn't care less and anyway, the public were a load of tossers. His followers are numerous and can still be found today in many towns and cities, particularly when there is a football match on. I N S U R A N C E · C L A I M S · 3 You don't say... "I hit a giant plastic mouse coming down the car park ramp". Q? Could anything have been done to avoid the accident? A? I could have travelled by train. "Windscreen broken. Don't know how. Could be Black Magic". "My wife pulled my hair causing me to turn into a lamp standard". "I didn't make a note of the witnesses names as in their ignorance they said I was at fault". "The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman". "I sounded my horn, but it didn't work as it had been stolen". "The wheels went into a ditch, and my foot jumped from the brake to the accelerator, leapt across the ditch and hit a tree trunk". "I am very interested in keeping the vehicle, and would like you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement". "I was travelling along at 70mph on my motorcycle when my girlfriend reached around and squeezed my testicles causing me to lose control". "I was not aware that the speed limit applied after midnight". Q? Do you engage in any pastimes of a dangerous nature? A. I watch Noel's House Party and Beadle's About. "I had one eye on a girl on the pavement, another on a parked lorry, and another on the approaching traffic". "I was crossing from Edgware Road to Park Lane in the direction of Margate". "There were plenty of on-lookers but not one decent witness". "My car was stolen. I made a human cry but it has not come back". "On entering Wales I blew my horn at the right hand corner". "I slept in the tramlines and skidded on Friday". "The other driver turned into a coal sack". "None of the parties' know me, so my evidence is immaterial". "I will pay more when I do some more time". "I left my Austin 7 outside. When I came back I was amazed to see an Austin 12". "I cannot give details of the accident as I was concussed at the time". "She saw me and lost her head". "I told the other idiot exactly what he was and drove on". "I was going to the hospital with rear end problems when my viscous coupling fell off causing me to have the accident". "I couldn't get any witnesses to admit seeing the incident until after it happened". It jumped out in front of me... "I had been to the garden centre to buy some plants. As I reached the junction a tree sprang up blocking my view so I didn't see the other car". "The shopper reversed around the corner, denting his car on a signpost. Luckily for him the signpost offered 'free quotes for accident repairs'". "A signpost hit my car bending it in two places". "As the lamp post approached I tried to swerve out of the way, but I hit the front end". "At the junction, a stop sign appeared where there wasn't one before. I couldn't stop in time and hit the other car". "I hit a telephone pole hiding behind a human". "I was keeping in line with the left hand lamp posts. A bend in the road brought a right hand lamp post in line with the others and of course I ended up in the river". "The gate-post will testify there was no damage to the car". And finally... Our Birmingham Branch sent a client his new "TRANSIT" policy but this was sent back saying that surely a mistake had been made as he ran a Mercedes" B I Z A R R E · N E W S PHNOM PENH, Vietnam (11-28) - Nou Meas, 65, played a bad joke on his wife when he attempted to surprise and tickle her from behind. The problem was that his wife was cutting firewood at the time, or to be more exact, she was cutting firewood ... with an axe. Siek Phan's immediate reaction was to swing the axe behind her. When she turned around, she found her nearly decapitated husband laying lifeless on the ground. Phan, 62, has been arrested and charged with murder. ANAHEIM, Calif. (11-24) - After robbing a bank, a man slipped into a disguise consisting of a business suit and ... pink fuzzy slippers. After being caught, the man couldn't give the police a logical explanation as to why he was wearing the slippers. He and a fellow female accomplice also gave conflicting stories. Police were helped by a resident who reported a burglary, in which some clothes and pink slippers were stolen. The man and woman were held on $50,000 bond, each. Sgt. Joe Vargas said about the disguise," The suit was OK. But he really should have taken less of a fashion risk with the shoes." COPENHAGEN (11-25) - A man with a mere 1.77 inch penis has set a record by having his penis extended to 7.48 inches. Doctor Joern Ege Siana said that a combination of post-surgical stretching and surgery had lengthened the 42-year-old patients flaccid member 5.7 inches. Siana, who made the announcement in a press release and the Internet, could not be reached for comment. A colleague, Jes Bech Mueller, said Siana was busy operating. Siana said, "Admittedly this case is unique, as penis enlargement is typically in the range of five to seven centimeters. (2 to 2.7 inches)" URBANA, Ohio (11-24) - A bizarre incident occurred when Paul Sirks was trying to get his plane going, after it quit on landing. Sirks was trying to crank the propeller when the plane took off without a pilot. It reached 12,000 feet and flew around for two hours. It finally ran out of gas and crashed in a bean field northwest of Columbus. A British Gas employee has been locked up by seven disgruntled elderly women after a dispute with the gas company. The seven women, with an average age of 78, decided to detain the worker inside a room at their old people's home because the gas company demanded money after their facility went all electric 13 months earlier. Three construction workers returned $80,000 in unmarked bills which were accidentally left outside a Fountain Hills, Arizona bank. The bank gave them a reward ... $50 each. Copyright Ovi's World of the Bizarre · http://www.ovis.com/